It was so nice to wake up to a chilly morning. It wasn't even 50 degrees when I walked over to mass this morning. I love fall mornings! On my bike ride over to school, I realized how extremely blessed I am to have a job and to be able to provide for myself. I know far too often I look over the blessings that God has given to me.
About this time last year, I would have never been able to get on a bike a pedal over to work. I had one of my worst flare-ups from my arthritis. It literally stopped me in my tracks and made me realize the miracle of even being able to get out of bed without wincing. Most of you know that I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis when I was a senior in high school, and what a journey that has been! Anyway, while that was probably one of the most painful weeks of my life, I learned much about myself and God's love.
1. I like to be in control. I even see it in my first paragraph- blessed that I am "...able to provide for myself." I don't like when people see me in pain, upset, confused, and helpless. I usually don't put myself in those kinds of predicaments, but I have found myself feeling that way at times over the last 5 years due to this condition. This time last year my treatment stopped working and my entire body basically freaked out on me. I felt like I was trapped in a frail, 90 year old woman's body. Let me tell you, it's pretty freaky among a number of other things as a then 21 year old. But during that time, I was unable to even get myself to class for a few days. It took minutes to walk over to the bathroom in my apartment which would usually take me seconds.
Sure, it's unfair for any human to suffer. I agree. 100%. But that doesn't take suffering away. In fact, our suffering and hardships can bring us closer to Jesus.
2. He wants us to realize that we are His dependents. We are HIS! Our relationship with Him can become some intimate in times of struggle. We realize that He is the air we breathe. The song we sing. The people we love and encounter daily. He is Everything. He is more necessary than any treatment or medication. Jesus doesn't want us to experience this pain of suffering, but He allows it, and it can teach us so much. It has for me anyway.
“Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you.” -Mother Teresa
3. Jesus wants to heal us. He can. He does. I would never refuse physical healing, but that hasn't quite happened. Nobody would look at me and know of my condition, not because I'm good at hiding things, because trust me, when I'm in pain, people know, at least the people who know me best. As I was teaching about the sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick, I mentioned how physical and spiritual healing can take place, and while we cannot exclude the possibility of physical healing, it's pretty rare. Jesus is after our soul which goes beyond our body anyway! He can love us and heal us through other people too. While I went through this flare up, a lot of people were praying for me, and I can understand, it can be awkward for people to see someone in pain. I've experienced it as a witness of people suffering but also being on the other end. You can see it in a person's face. No matter what they say, they can't help you, and they feel awkward, and quickly abandon the situation. It's hard stuff! However, I believe our words get in the way sometimes.
A very close friend of mine knew how horrible I was feeling and she insisted that she would come over just to sit with me. I thought she was crazy, since I looked like a hot mess with my heating pad, ice packs, "pain relievers," and tissues from all the crying I had done out of the physical pain. I told her there was nothing she could do, and she, being the wonderful friend I was, saw past my excuses and knew that I really needed her. And all she did was sit with me. We barely carried a conversation and she just sat at my bedside. It was a beautiful experience because for the first time, I realized that that's the gospel message. Love without limits. Drop everything and love. Oh, and allow people to allow you. Allow yourself to be dependent. That's Christ's love. And that's what I experienced.
I shared parts of this story with my students to try to get them to understand how isolating and hard it can be to suffer but how Christ's healing love trumps physical healing. Although I'm all for it! But without my suffering, I wouldn't recognize my endless need for Jesus. I am so thankful for the blessings I have received in my times of suffering. It has taught me so much about love and friendship along with how necessary our relationship with Christ is!
So today, too, was a great day. I was able to wake up, get out of bed without struggling, walked to mass, finished getting ready for work, rode my bike, taught like a boss, and went on a nice walk around my neighborhood.
See the beauty in every day, and don't forget to say "Thank you."
No comments:
Post a Comment